The Adventures of the All Seeing Eye Part 2:
Mirror in the Bathroom
Sir Keir stumbles out the Houses of Commons and into the waiting taxi. He goes off into the cool night air. It is July 2021 and it’s been a long, hot day.
Sir Keir - ‘Hi Love I’m home.’
Lady Starmer – ‘I can see that, I’m not a fecking idiot you know.’
Sir Keir – ‘Bit harsh love. I got called into to see the Dark Lord today, I’m flipping done in.’
Lady Starmer – ‘Well I hope you didn’t upset Tony, don’t want him thinking we’re not team players do we, that wouldn’t go down well would it, Keir. Did he call you a fecking idiot or something?’
Sir Keir – ‘No he said I was doing a great job and not to forget to give Boris the evil eye in case he starts thinking for hisself again.’
Lady Starmer – ‘He’s a fecking idiot too, who does he think he is?’
Sir Keir – ‘Yeah well whoever he thinks he is I wouldn’t want to be in his shoes.’
Lady Starmer – ‘Yeah, well your feet would fall out as you only take a size 8 and Boris takes a 9 and a half.’
Sir Keir – ‘How do you know anything about Boris’s feet?’
Lady Starmer – ‘None of your fecking business.’
Sir Keir – ‘Jesus, I thought being leader of the opposition was hard work, blethering about nothing all day, I can’t handle this, I’m off to my rooms if you’re in such a foul mood.’
Lady Starmer – ‘Don’t worry about me.’
Sir Keir pushes the door shut and wanders upstairs to his private suite. He goes into the bathroom, drops a huge turd, performs his ablutions then glances in the mood-lit large mirror. At which point he nearly jumps out his skin. There in the mirror is a huge eye staring at him, unblinkingly.
Sir Keir – ‘GOOD LORD! You could’ve warned me, gave me one hell of a fright!’
All Seeing Eye – ‘Just wanted to drop in on an old buddy and you react like that.’ In a mock offended tone, ‘I might take my friendship elsewhere.’
Sir Keir – ‘Oh No, don’t do that Eye, I’m sorry!’
Eye – ‘That’s better. Did you have a hard day at the office dear?’ The Eye impersonates Lady Starmer’s shrill and commanding voice.
Sir Keir – ‘Ha, I had a really shit day actually Eye.’
Eye – ‘Oh bad luck old bean.’
Sir Keir – ‘Can’t be helped, someone’s got to do it.’
Eye – ‘A game of charades is no good without a few actors. Even if they are expendable…’
Sir Keir – ‘Hey I know my place.’
Eye – ‘How’s my best pal Tony.’
Sir Keir – ‘Oh the usual.’
Eye – ‘He frightens you doesn’t he?’
Sir Keir – ‘He frightens everyone, you know that.’
Eye – ‘That’s why I employ him of course. Anyway, let’s talk business. How’s things going in the old debating chamber?’
Sir Keir – ‘Everyone’s talking about the lockdown ending, this time for good.’
Eye – ‘That’s hilarious! I hope you told them that’s never going to happen. It’s just a matter of time before its Lock-Around-the-Clock again – forever.’
Sir Keir – ‘Of course, I told them. They might be as intelligent as a loo brush but I’m not that dumb.’
Eye – ‘Not that dumb it’s true. Compared to a super-intelligence you’re a little bit slow though.’
Sir Keir – ‘I’m only talking as a...human.’
Eye – ‘Well you see that was what I wanted to talk to you about Keir old chap.’
Sir Keir – ‘Yes, All Seeing Eye?’
Eye – ‘I think its time for you to be an ex-human. We need your body though. Think I’ll give it to Tony as a spare. He can run a couple of bodies no problem. Good at juggling things is our Tony.’
Sir Keir – ‘I’ve done everything you asked All Seeing Eye, could I not stay a bit longer?’
Eye – ‘Hey when your number’s up, it’s up. Adios, as they say. You know the deal, easy as 1-2-3. It’d be easier if you stopped whining about it though. Well easier on me anyway. Goodbye Mr Starmer.’
Sir Keir’s lips start to tremble and a tear rolls down his cheek,
Sir Keir – ‘But., but….’
Eye – ‘What shall we count to, I wonder? How about 5,6,7, Mr Keir is off to heaven…’
He slumps to the marble of the bathroom floor, stone cold, with a surprised expression on his face. Exactly thirteen minutes later he starts to shift and squirm and gradually pulls himself up onto his feet. He has an altogether different and more determined look in his eyes. He dusts himself off and shuffles awkwardly out the room.
Sir Keir Starmer’s body was now inhabited by the alter ego of Tony. He goes cautiously downstairs, his feet clunking into place like lead weights. He winks provocatively at Lady Starmer.
Lady Starmer – ‘Took you long enough Tony. Boy did that old git get on my nerves.’
Sir Keir’s body, AKA Tony’s alter ego – ‘You can call me Bony, the real Tony might get upset if you call me Tony.
Lady Starmer – ‘How about I call you Tony 2? No confusion there.’
Tony’s Alter Ego – Nah, he’d grind me up and feed me to the pigeons for impersonating him.’
Lady Starmer – ‘But I thought you were an extension of Tony now.’
Tony’s Alter Ego – ‘Nopity nope My Lady, he hates everyone except the Eye and the Big Boss. Even me, a mere alter ego is way down the pecking order. He’d do himself in as soon as blink. If he heard himself giving himself any gip, he’d cut his own throat. And if he heard himself giving the Boss or the Eye any lip, well it doesn’t even bear thinking about.’
Lady Starmer – ‘Feck me that’s weird, and I thought I knew all about weird.’
Tony’s Alter Ego – ‘Well you’re playing in the big league of weird now your Ladyship. If the Tony pops his clogs then I’m vamoosh. Us alter-egos don’t get to run the show you know.’
Lady Starmer – ‘That’s sad, but don’t worry, he’ll probably live another nine hundred years.’
Tony’s Alter Ego – ‘Yeah but live for the moment is what I say. The good news is I certainly know how to show a lovely lady like yourself a very, very good time,’ he says suggestively. The pair glide toward the huge settee. An eye appears over the settee. The pair are too distracted to notice they are being watched.