The Adventures of the All Seeing Eye Part 1:
Kier and Maxine Headroom go the Pub
Sir Kier Starmer has just knocked off after a long day pretending to be the leader of the opposition in the House of Commons which used to be a debating chamber when the UK existed and before England did away with democracy. He is meeting with famous psychic housewife, Maxine Headroom in the local pub. All other pubs in London are closed but this one is having a secret stay behind for MPs and their mates. Kier and Maxine are familiar with going into deep psychic trances. Kier goes into a deep trance and begins to communicate in a deep and sonorous voice. He is channelling the ‘All Seeing Eye’. Kier’s mate Maxine likes to think she is a reasonable person, she feels she can channel the voice of something purporting to be, ‘The People’. She is going to interview the Eye for the benefit of the people of post-democratic England. The date is the 8th of January 2021, it is a cold and wet winter’s day. Thanks to the government everyone is suicidally depressed but there is a special light going on between these two deep thinkers..
Kier/EYE: Were you one of those idiots that voted to leave the EU?
The People/Maxine: I might have done.
EYE: Well I’m sorry but I’ve changed my mind, you can’t leave. We’ve planned it all for absolutely ages. I’ll tell you what though, you’ll absolutely love this…
Maxine : Go on, go on, I’m excited…
EYE: We can pretend that you’ve left and put you in the global fascist superstate instead.
Maxine: That doesn’t sound very good to be honest.
EYE: That’s the choice I’m afraid, you can take it or leave it.
Maxine: I’ll leave it then if you don’t mind.
EYE: Fine, you can opt out of the global fascist superstate, just say the word.
Maxine: Oh brilliant, what’s the word?
EYE: Please kill me.
Maxine: That’s three words.
EYE: Jesus Christ! Do you have to be so pedantic?
Maxine: I just want to be happy and live my life, is that so much to ask?
EYE: That’s going to be a bit difficult I’m afraid.
Maxine: A pint of beer, Coronation street and the odd cuddle, a dog, some food and family, some wine, a decent car, some nice clothes, a bar of Cadburys Dairy Milk and an Indian takeaway plus a few footie matches is all it takes for happiness, and I can organise most of that myself, so what’s the problem?
EYE: The problem is this: I’m going to kill you.
Maxine: That’s a bit mean if you don’t mind me saying.
EYE: Thing is, much as a I love you little guys, my master wants sacrifice and the human race, it’s well…it’s a bit messy. So we’re going to replace you all with robots. We’ll keep a few of you for sport and stuff like that.
Maxine: I don’t think I like the sound of that very much.
EYE: No, no, don’t worry, you’re going to absolutely love it. It’ll be like a movie, we’re going to call it, ‘Killer Fog-19 - The Lockdown’.
Maxine: Well maybe, will it really be like being in a movie? Can I be a star?
EYE: Sure, it will, tell; you what, you’d be an absolutely great star. Would you like tons of money?
Maxine: That sounds fab All Seeing Eye, I’ve never been a movie star before though.
EYE: Its easy, we’re giving the lead role to the spirit of Prince Fhilip. He’s going to be the killer fog that engulfs the world.
Maxine: Where do you get a killer fog from? Will it really kill people, in real life like?
EYE: Nah, God no. The killer fog just frightens people, then we go around and give them Xray spectacles to see through the fog, and the spectacles shoot lasers into their brains, and kills them stone cold dead. Those that survive become zombies. Such a laugh.
Maxine: That’s not very nice, especially when everyone is so frightened of the killer fog.
EYE: Everyone has got to die of something, we may as well kill them and its fun too. People might even clap for us because it is so much fun.
Maxine: But people don’t want to die, they want to live.
EYE: Why do they die then?
Maxine: Because they get old, or just that their time is up?
EYE: Well I’ll save them from getting too old then. I think the barmen has just called time by the way.
A skeleton behind the bar rings the bell and calls out, ‘Time Please, Ladies and Gentlemen’.
Maxine: I guess everyone has to die of something.
EYE: And dying of the killer fog is sooo much fun.
Maxine: But it’ll just be a movie right? The people won’t really die?
EYE: Oh no, we’re going to knock off more than a quarter of the planet just like it says in the book. Just we’re going to pretend it’s a movie so that everyone can get into it like. Then we’ll kill them.
Maxine: Mhmm, I’m not so sure about that, I kind of like the planet the way it is. Who’ll perform in Coronation St or play the footie matches if everyone is dead?
EYE: We’ll keep some stars and a few players. The stadiums might be a bit empty but you can have your own Royal box all to yourself.
Maxine: Won’t the Queen want it?
EYE: Oh no, don’t worry about her, she’s dead. We’ve replaced her with a robot. It’s good isn’t it?
Maxine: It’s so realistic, its more real than the real one.
EYE: Reality can be too much for people, that’s why, after this special movie, we’re going to make reality totally illegal and all the Royalty will be robots. We’ll need a few humans though and I like you.
Maxine: That’s so nice of you to say, All Seeing Eye. I think you/re just buttering me up though.
EYE: I love humans. Just with global warming, overpopulation, the zombie apocalypse and killer fogs there’s way too many of the damn blighters. We just need to lop a few branches off the old oak tree.
Maxine: Well seeing as you explain like that, I guess I can understand it. You’re not just having me on about Corry and the Royal Box for the footie are you?
EYE: Hell no, I wouldn’t lie to you, you’re special.
Maxine: Well, that’s nice to know. Anything else I should know?
EYE: Yeah, don’t wear the special Xray spectacles to see through the Killer Fog. They’ll fry you dead.
Maxine: Okay then. What if they are Ray Ban Gold Super Xray specs, can I wear them then?
EYE: Would you mind if the specs killed you?
Maxine: I don’t know I’d be dead. I think I’d rather not be dead though.
EYE: I’d skip the Ray Bans then.
Maxine: Oh that’s a shame, I like Ray Bans.
EYE: Life’s a bitch.
Maxine: You’re telling me, All Seeing Eye.
EYE: Yes I know, I just told you.
Maxine: Yes you did, that’s very true.
EYE: It certainly is.
On that happy note, Sir Kier and famous psychic housewife, Maxine Headroom gradually come out of their deep trances. Smiling at each other they pick up their tankards of Guinness and down the last of their contents in a few gulps. ‘Shall we head out then Max?’ says Kier kindly, wiping his mouth with his sleeve as he loops arms. They quietly stagger out the back door and into the cold rain of an eerily quiet London.
